the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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