You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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