yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
