Whoa Z and x make the same sound
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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