You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
