You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
