If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
