the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
