i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
