Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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