Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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