my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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