dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
