I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I CAN MOONWALK!
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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