my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
