i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
