Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
