Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
