Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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