I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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