i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
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I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
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life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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