You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
