You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
