i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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