you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
