..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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