His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
