Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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