She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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