I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
