I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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