Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
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I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
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He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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