happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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