Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
