My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
