i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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