So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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