it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
