I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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