i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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