she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
