Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
