i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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