One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
