Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Houston, we have a squirter
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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