omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
