8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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