even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
