dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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