I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
