Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
