One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
