Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
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i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
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you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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