i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
im six kinds of drunk right now
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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