If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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