she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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