Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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